SAN QUINTON, CA -- Maude "Aunt Stickyfist" McFeenie, doing hard time for a string of hobo castrations (and a prior conviction for debauching the Fillmore Junior High girls' field hockey team), has the dubious honor of bunking down with Paris Hilton as she serves her 45-day custodial sentence for violating her probation. Always eager to act as midwife at the birth of a beautiful friendship, we are happy to share Aunt Stickyfist's words of salutations, advice, and warnings:
Yo, princess. I ain't gonna blow smoke up yer twat. The bighouse ain't no friggin pleasure cruise. Some of us broads keep razor blades in our hair and we'd just as soon cut a bitch as fart. So first advice is put a cork in the hoity toity heiress crap. Got me? Next, you might be all behooved and sh*t if you checked into the Iron Hilton with a carton or six of Pall-Malls for yer new pal Aunt Stickyfist. Do me right and no one's gonna get with your stuff and make you lez out. Cause yer mine, and no one crosses Stickyfist McFeenie. Oh, you can call me "Sticky" or "Daddy-o." You make sure ol' Sticky's happy, that perty face of yers will sail through without a scratch. All you gots to do is toss Sticky's salad real good once in a while and keep your bitch box easy-access and squeeky clean at all times. Got that sister? And if you make nice, I'll strap on a big one and peg you where you poop. I seen yer sex-tape, princess. Don't tell me you don't go there. Anway, I don't mean to scare you too bad. Prison's what you make of it. We'll have a grand old time swappin' girl talk while yer braiding my armpit hair after givin yer new pal Sticky a tongue bath. And maybe I can give you my headshot. Before I got busted I did a Matlock, a Mannix and a couple McGyvers. Oh, and I played Nellie Forbush in The Pasadena Dinner Theater's production of "South Pacific." Douche it up nice for me, princess. Aunt Stickyfist.